There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
