I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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