If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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