also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
