I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
