he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
