But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
