I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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