A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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