So drunk its hurt
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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