Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
