I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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