We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
