I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
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