I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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