I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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