I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
