Rock
Scissors
Fuck
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
