I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
