I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
third nipple confirmed
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
