Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
