apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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