Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
