is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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