The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
