my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
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