the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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