kristin has been a bad kristin
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
