Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
