walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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