im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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