While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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