can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
