I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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