he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You're like the curious george of whores
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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