Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
