Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Randomize
