Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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