yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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