He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
