Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
