OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
