sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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