I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
