On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
