: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
