seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
