I wish my penis had an off switch
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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