Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
