I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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