my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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