who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
