He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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