i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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