i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
