Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
