so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
