So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
