Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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