I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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