Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
