it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
