woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
