I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
